Every Saturday night I think about my Saturday night on October 31, 2009. I had no idea I was going to deliver Elijah that night and I certainly had no idea he would leave us to return to Heaven so quickly. All the events of that Saturday replay so vividly in my head. I think about Elijah all the time but each Saturday marks another week without him and its hard...19 weeks.
This week has been a difficult one. We received a call on Tuesday from the cemetery letting us know that Elijah's headstone was in and they would be installing it. Wednesday Joe and I met over lunch at the cemetery. I wanted to see it and I didn't want to go by myself. I am glad that it is finally there, but seeing your child's name on something like that...it makes your heart sink even more. Its not right, its not natural, and it shouldn't be this way. Wednesday night we had a monthly support group we started going to and Thursday I had my weekly bible study. While both of these things are great they are so emotional.
In our Bible Study and also in a book I am currently reading the story of Job was discussed. I have not read the story of Job in quite some time. It was meant to encourage us. Encourage us because Job who had lost everything but still praised and worshiped God. Encourage us because even though those things were allowed to happen to Job, God did not Do them to Job. He did not inflict pain on him. He allowed those things to happen to bring him Glory. Instead of being encouraged by Job, I am so fearful. He lost everything! What if I loose everything? I lost my son! What if I loose even more? I am so paranoid something is going to happen to Joe or Gabrielle. I know I need to let that go and just trust in God, but how do I do that? The impossible already happened...we lost our Child. I feel like if that can happen to us anything can. I know its Satan trying to put these thoughts in my head, but they are so hard to escape from right now. In the midst of my pain I will continue to worship God and pray for that peace that I need right now.
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I hope that time and reflection and talking about your experiences help help your hurting heart at this time Wendy. Always thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteOh Wendy--I could have written this MYSELF--right down to the Saturday marker, only insert 15 weeks where yours is 19. Oh, how you put words to my feelings!
ReplyDeleteI also feel the same way about Job sometimes. I am comforted when I read it in that I KNOW that God did NOT take my son for some lesson or some punishment or some anything. God did not do ONE of those horrible things to Job, though He did allow them. I think that He sort of has to--that doesn't come out how I want it to, but what I mean is that in the world He created, a world of free-will and the choice to love Him or not, how could He take that choice and option away from us? He could, of course, but would He, even in the light of our suffering, knowing that He would still be able to bring good things of the devastation? I know I am not making sense, but I agree--even though Job was rewarded for his faithfulness, he STILL lost his children!!! New children DON'T replace his lost children!!! So, that's proof that one of the people so precious to God still suffered (over and over) happened then and it can (and obviously does) happen now and today. And I'm just as scared as you are...I know I shouldn't be, but I am. There's noooo guarantee that I've suffered my one and only tragedy and it's roses from here on. And I'm human and it's scary.
Dear sister, I am lifting you up and carrying you straight to our Father's arms...much love!
Wow, I can relate so much to this post, this fear that you describe. I was always the cheerful, optimistic girl, and I feel that has been stripped away. I'm still cheerful on the outside, and I try really hard to be optimistic, but now I'm just so scared of losing even more than I already have. Scared of losing my husband, scared that this embryo transfer won't work, scared they're going to find things wrong in the pretesting, scared that I'll lose those babies...it's all so overwhelming at times.
ReplyDeleteI will be praying for you as you to be strengthened and that God will help build your trust. Trusting is so hard...it really is.
I'm challenged and encouraged by your questions Wendy. You need to find out where your hope lies. Does it lie in something that can be taken away or something that can't?
ReplyDeleteI wish we could be there to walk through these days with you and Joe. Know that you have friends who love you dearly and are praying for you even though we're 500 miles away.