Back from vacation

I haven't posted in a while. I am not sure why. I have many thoughts I am sure I could share but I just have not taken the time to sit down and share them. We just just back from vacation last week, which was bitter sweet. We decided while I was in the hospital on bedrest last year that we would take a family vacation no matter what happened because we needed to get away. We decided to take Gabrielle to Disney world because we knew she would absolutely love it. It was hard to even plan the trip because we knew that if Elijah was here with us we would not be taking a vacation like this. We would be doing something much more simple. It was hard to be in the "happiest place on Earth" while you heart is breaking. We did have fun and Gabrielle loved it but there was always just these little tugs at my heart the entire time. One night we were at Magic Kingdom for the fire works at night. They of course talk about your dreams coming true and if you wish for something hard enough it can happen. I know this is all part of Disney and should not be taken out of that context but I just teared up thinking of how our dreams have been crushed. It's so hard to try to find happiness when you are so broken. So hard to find joy in the midst of suffering. How are those things supposed to happen at the same time? Somehow they do. Even Gabrielle was thinking of her baby brother. She would make comments about how if Elijah were there he would sit by her or he would like this or that. I am so glad she thinks about him but at the same time so sad that a 4 year old has to have these thoughts.

It is hard to beleive it has been 10 and a half months since I held my sweet son in my arms. I honestly have no idea where the time has gone. I am trying to figure out exactly how to honor our precious Elijah on his up coming birthday. I need to figure out what is right for us and I would like to do something that Joe, Gabrielle and any further siblings of his can do together each year. What makes it difficult is his birthday falls on Halloween. We don't do a lot for Halloween but there are always festivities going on. It's weird because I remember that day so vividly in the hospital. I remember the nurse coming in and giving me a pumpkin bib and I told Gabrielle she could have it for her baby dolls because there was no way he was going to be born on Halloween. My c-section was scheduled for a few days later and I really did not think we would end up having him that night. Everything was pretty rushed but I still remember every moment leading up his arrival. I hope those moments are always so clear and real to me because its all I have and I cling on to every memory I have of him.

Here is a pic of us at Disney